On a cold autumn night, a group of porcupines huddled together for warmth. Given their abundance of sharp quills, these animals are not exactly cuddly. As they tried to snuggle up to one another, they would be pricked or poked by another's sharp points. In exasperation, they moved away from their companions but soon found that they could not bear the cold. So, they shuffled in and out until they discovered a distance whereby they could stay warm without being pricked.

Now, although I have known some prickly personalities, this German fable illustrates the tension found in all human relationships. There is an ongoing balancing act between "me" and "we". This is true in our families, with our friends, partners, co-workers, and certainly the potential for getting pricked or poking someone with your own quills is increased in community.

Before entering the ministry, I was a Preschool teacher. My class was known as the Penguins. Given the German fable that I just told, I could rename them the Porcupines. Not that they were a particularly prickly bunch, but when I was in the company of four year olds, it became clear that life is a constant process of negotiation. Often it was a struggle over limited resources: "When is it gonna be my turn on the swing?"; "Johnny's had the tricycle forever."; "I need the red marker!" Sometimes it was a longing for love and understanding: "I want to play too." The most frequent source of trouble was accident, for example, an elbow causing a tower of blocks to tumble down or one child rushing to paint at the art easel when another had been waiting. Four year olds have a low threshold for conflict- the response is rapid fire and direct. Typical responses are hitting, biting, yelling or crying. If a child was able to articulate his or her anger, the ultimate threat was always, "You're not coming to my birthday party!"

As adults, most of us have learned to suppress these more elemental reactions when we are frustrated. Often when we experience conflict, a common tactic is silence and avoidance. Although adults may have learned to stop hitting and biting, the second part of the lesson seems more difficult to remember. My mantra in Preschool was "Use your words."

When I experience anger, frustration or hurt in my most intimate relationships, I tend to shut down. Often I become very quiet. It takes time for me to be able to crawl out of the silent solitude to confront a loved one with my feelings. I recognize that this is not a universal pattern. What happens to you when someone that you love has said or done something hurtful? How do you react when your expectations are not met? Each of us may act differently depending upon the circumstances: yell, cry, retreat, or say things that we do not mean. It is important to recognize our emotions and behavior in the face of conflict because from the sand box to the living room to church to business to government we will be confronted with opposing needs, drives, wishes and demands.

I recommend a book entitled, Getting Together- Building Relationships as We Negotiate. It was written by Roger Fisher and Scott Brown of the Harvard Negotiation Project. They offer a straightforward approach to initiating and sustaining working relationships. What I found most compelling about this easy-to-read paperback was that they use illustrations from all arenas: from personal interactions to Soviet- U.S. relations during the Cold War.

The good news of the book is that although it takes two to have a relationship, it takes only one to improve its quality. This comes with a commitment to working relationships by examining and addressing the problem instead of blaming another person or group. Fisher and Brown advise, "to be unconditionally constructive". This means that in a relationship with you, I should do those things that are both good for the relationship and good for me --- whether or not you reciprocate."

Here's the strategy for unconditionally constructive relationships, broken down into six simple points:

There are two faces of conflict. The first is destructive. Hidden and unresolved issues are like the bramble bush cutting people's feet on the path toward wholeness and progress. The second face of conflict is the constructive model. When problems are handled openly and with skill, there is a potential for growth and change. Like the governor who confronted the insensitive man, many lives are improved by removing the evil tree. Without this obstacle, folks can devote their energy to positive goals and new ideas.

The same is true for congregations. Peter Steinke, workshop leader and author of Healthy Congregations writes, "A healthy congregation is one that actively and responsibly addresses or heals its disturbances, not one with an absence of troubles." So, we must use our resources and strengths to manage conflict, not let it fester under the surface. It is important that we communicate with one another about our institutional tensions. Not talking about them will not make them go away. Only by being honest about our feelings and perspectives will we come to any collective understanding.

Saint Paul is not one of my favorites. Remember, he's the one who wrote that women should not speak in church and should keep their heads covered. However, the passage that Craig read this morning from Corinthians is compelling for any community. Paul uses the human body to demonstrate that unity and diversity are not incompatible. The eyes, ears, feet, mouth, internal organs and hands each have a distinct function and contribute to the working of the whole. As the last line reads, "If one member suffers, all suffer along with it; if one member is honored, all rejoice along with it." Therefore, in sharing our joys and concerns as a part of our worship services, we are recognizing and honoring our interconnectedness. The Channing Caregiving Committee, who sends notes and reaches out to our members with visits and phone calls, is another example of the ways in which we honor one another as a religious community.

As I prepared for today's service, I was mindful of the current conflict in the Middle East. Across Rhode Island, flags are currently being flown at half-mast as a tribute to the seventeen American sailors who died aboard the U.S.S. Cole during a powerful blast while docking in Yemen. Many of the crew aboard the Destroyer were trained at the local War College. At a time when the United States enjoys relative peace and prosperity, this attack brings a sudden prospect of doubt and volatility. During these two weeks of violence between Israelis and Palestinians, about one hundred people, mostly Palestinian, have been killed. There is a deep sense of grievance and woundedness on both sides. The imminent danger is that the deadly cycle of attack and counter-attack may spiral into an all-out war. There is a hint of optimism as Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Barak and Palestinian leader Yasir Arafat have agreed to a Summit in Egypt on Monday. The level of global diplomacy in this conflict has been unparalleled. There is a glimmer of hope that Barak and Arafat will do all in their power to break the cycle of violence and pave the way to Peace Talks once more. The Middle East stands as a haunting reminder of the power of violence, hatred, and fear, and the importance of continued dialogue and negotiation
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It is equally important for us to promote a safe environment for genuine dialogue. Church consultant, Roger Nicholson, points out that dialogue is different from debate and discussion. A debate implies a winner and a loser. He writes, "The Latin root of our word discussion has the same root as the words percussion and concussion. It literally means using force to make a point. [Instead] the Greek roots for the word dialogue are 'dia', meaning 'through' and logos, meaning 'word' or, more broadly, 'meaning'. The main idea of the word dialogue is a free flow of ideas between people".

In the words of our Unitarian ancestor Michael Servetes, "We need not think alike to love alike." However, the contribution of each one of us is essential to the health of our relationships. In our homes, in our church, in our workplaces, in our towns and in our world, let us work to improve communication. In this way, will we create an open safe environment and move forward toward greater wholeness.

Blessed Be.