Monkeys are very difficult to catch! In Southern India there are varieties that are small, agile and intelligent. Despite their size, it is nearly impossible to simply grab a monkey because they will run away with great speed. However, it is told that the villagers have discovered a simple way to catch these creatures. Hunters will take a coconut, drill a hole in its hard shell and pour some rice inside. Then they will chain the coconut to a stake and wait. Soon a monkey will discover the coconut and see the rice through the hole. The hole is just big enough for the monkey to reach inside and grab the rice. However, his fist clenching the grains is too big to come back out of the hole. When the hunters arrive, the monkey becomes frantic with the realization that he is trapped and cannot run away. What is most interesting about this Monkey Trap is that truly it is not the coconut nor the rice that has trapped him but the monkey's inability to let go. The animal is so set on claiming that food for his own that he does not realize that by simply opening his hand, he would be free to escape captivity.

Of course, human beings and monkeys bear a resemblance not only in appearance, but also in how we think. Our own desires and attachments can also serve to trap us. We can become stuck holding on to one way of doing things, unable to perceive the alternatives. In our relationships, we can hold on to resentments keeping ourselves trapped, unable to resolve the concerns and move forward. Also, we can become isolated feeling like we must do everything ourselves, instead of enlisting others to share in the task with us.

I am currently serving on the faculty of the North East Leadership School or NELS, as it is known. This week long camp is specifically designed for Unitarian Universalist lay leaders. We met the first week in August at the Craigville Retreat Center on Cape Cod. The good folks who attended Leadership School this summer serve as Board Presidents or Directors of Religious Education, some were members of the Finance Committee or were involved with Social Action, others served as Program and Worship Chairs; some of them were lifelong Unitarian Universalists while others had recently joined a UU congregation.

NELS was a truly enriching experience. The program offers a model of spiritual leadership, giving the participants tools to grow and develop as liberal religious leaders in their congregations and in the world at large. Looking back, NELS really teaches how to escape from coconut captivity.

Before the participants even arrive, they are asked to fill out the Kiersey Temperament Sorter. Some of you may be familiar with the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, a longer version, which helps to uncover personality types. Although we all have much in common, people do have different ways of relating to others, processing information, and reaching decisions. The Kiersey Temperament Sorter asks questions about how you might react to different situations like

When the phone rings do you
a) hurry up and answer, or
b) hope someone else will answer

Another example:

Which rules you more
a) your thoughts, or
b) your feelings

One more:

Do you tend to choose
a) rather carefully, or
b) somewhat impulsively

Of course, with this type of test, there is no right or wrong answer. The results of these multiple-choice questions reveal personality type. In other words, how you tend to behave in certain circumstances. This is done on several scales: whether someone is Introverted or Extraverted, whether you are driven by emotions or intellect, and whether you prefer matters to be open ended or well defined. I am not going to go into any more detail about the various personality types except to say that in discussing how people relate to others and how people approach tasks, the participants learned a great deal about themselves and one another.

When these same folks were put into groups with people who had different personality profiles, often it was difficult for them to work together. The NELS faculty did this by design to teach how important it is to check-in before beginning any project. That is, take the time for each person to share how they are doing so that they are connected in a human way. Also, the groups were encouraged to write a covenant. An explicit statement about how they were going to relate to one another.

Even in that short period of time, conflicts arose in the groups. Most often that would happen when one or two people in the group were so focused on completing an assigned task in a way they felt was right that they did not work collaboratively. Like the monkey with his hand stuck in the coconut, they were blind to the fact that their attachment to doing things a certain way was blocking their ability to truly relate to the other members of the group.

The transformative message of NELS is that above all else paying attention to our relationships with others leads to more satisfying work and better results. This means recognizing when there is conflict and taking steps to acknowledge and resolve it. If we are trapped by resentment, then we will not be able to offer our own insights as full members of a team. Naming conflict does not amplify it (although it may not feel good at first), being direct is the most spiritual way to be a leader.

Two years ago, the Committee on Ministry had a service that explored the area of conflict. Drew Jenkins shared that conflict is an inevitable part of church life, as it is in any organization and offered some suggestions about how to resolve conflict. After the service, several people pulled me and members of the Committee aside saying "Psst, is there something going on? Is there a conflict that I don't know about". We so rarely speak openly about conflict, that people had anxiety that there was something more that was unspoken. I want to let you know that there is no sub-text in this sermon. I speak about the importance of candor in our relating because I want our healthy congregation not only to survive but to continue to thrive.

Unitarian Universalist theologian James Luther Adams wrote, "Church is a place where you get to practice what it means to be human." That is why we have been so intentional in developing the Committee on Ministry so that I am not the only one who is evaluating and nurturing the quality of our shared ministry. I asked these folks to lead this service along with me so that you know who you can turn to with a concern, observation or brilliant idea. These folks are here to help strengthen our connections and to facilitate communication. They are also very experienced members of the church who are very approachable if you would just like to chat informally. As always, my door is open to you as well.

When I speak of coconut captivity, I want you to realize that this does not just occur in church life but in all human relating. In our drive to accomplish tasks, we can often neglect our relationships at home, with our friends, and in our professional lives. As I was thinking about this topic, I remembered a story that my Dad told me- one of those family tales that is worth repeating. There was a salesman that my father dealt with regularly as a part of his work in the Freedman Shoe Factory. This salesman would always ask, "How are you?" with a smile without any real interest in the answer. So one day when he greeted my Dad with his habitual "How are you?" without missing a beat my Dad replied "I have Leprosy." The man said "Oh that's nice. . . " and kept going oblivious to what my dad had said. This has stuck with me. "How are you?" has become a standard greeting like "Hello" but I make every effort to really listen to the response. To move beyond pleasantries to really check-in with how someone is doing is a key to deepening our relationships, and living with greater honesty and respect. I invite you in the week ahead to pay attention to the "How are you's?" both when you say them and when others ask you.

Another place where you are invited to practice intentional relationships is our Small Group Ministry program. You will find the forms in the order of service. Bill Peresta and I are going to arrange the groups this week. So I encourage you to sign-up today. These are groups of 6-10 people meeting twice a month in homes. The groups have structured sharing on topics of meaning. People share from their life experiences and personal beliefs about spiritual and ethical issues like God, Human Nature, Forgiveness, Healing, and Change. We began this program last year and participants found that there was real power in sharing with one another. People discovered real connections with other people. Also these groups did a service project together making a difference in the church and local community.

Once again, "Church is a place where you get to practice what it means to be human." If you are looking for ways to connect with other people, to explore your own beliefs and to put your values into action, Small Group Ministry is for you. There is a time commitment. So if you are unable to commit to meeting every other week at this time, rest assured, there will be an empty chair for you to join when you are ready. Also this is a good way to invite your friends, neighbors and colleagues to come check out our church. Bill Peresta and I are available any time to answer questions.

In closing, hear my prayer:

May we as a congregation continue to grow in partnership
knowing that from our relationship of mutual trust
we can accomplish so much more.
Here at Channing Memorial Church may we practice what it means to be human
supporting and encouraging people of all ages and stages of life.
Through honesty in our speech, care in our touch,
and the free expression of beliefs
may we be moved to live lives of service.
Showing to all that spiritual development is not found
in clinging to rigidly to perfectionism.
When we open our hands, freedom is found.

Blessed be.