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December Dilemma~ Ideas from Interfaith Families Celebrating Traditions in Untraditional Ways - As a Unitarian Universalist congregation, we tend to be more open than many people about religious pluralism. Nevertheless, with the coincidence of Christmas and Chanukah in a few weeks, religious differences come into unavoidable focus. As we've just seen, several of our Channing families are interfaith, each of which will have its own ways of incorporating these differences. This morning, as a Unitarian Universalist with a Jewish family through marriage, I'd like to share a few experiences and perspectives that Laura and our children, Ben and Geoff, have incorporated into our interfaith family life. When Laura and I were preparing for marriage more than 20 years ago, we asked some interfaith couple friends about what concerns to anticipate. One light-hearted reply was that it is easy to sort out which in-laws to be with for the holidays. On a more serious note, the genuine acceptance of practices other than one's own is fundamental in interfaith life. I emphasize the word "acceptance." It has quite a different characteristic than tolerance, which George Washington recognized during his visit to Newport in 1790. He came to assure the people of Rhode Island, which had only just signed on guardedly as the 13th state, that their well-established practice of freedom of religion would be upheld in the new nation. Moses Seixas, the congregation leader of Touro Synagogue, welcomed Washington with a letter that referred to "a Government, which to bigotry gives no sanction, to persecution no assistance - but generously affording . . . Liberty of conscience [to] everyone, of whatever Nation, tongue or language." Washington drew from Seixas's letter in his reply a few days later "To the Hebrew Congregation in Newport," going further to say that "It is no more that toleration is spoken of, as if it was by the indulgence of one class of people, that another enjoyed the exercise of their inherent natural rights." These elegant and historic words were penned within footsteps of where we sit today, but sadly, in the course of more than two centuries, their broadly spoken message still doesn't ring easily among many people. It has been difficult enough to reach a level of toleration among different peoples and religions. It's another significant step to achieve mutual acceptance. Laura and I had a very special surprise in our wedding ceremony that was known only to the officiating rabbi and us. It had been made clear to me that the service could not be modified to integrate my Episcopalian tradition, other than as a written insert in the program. Each of the Jewish wedding prayer endings, where the Christian words familiar to me would have been, ". . . in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit," ended as, ". . . in the name of the people of Israel." In our conversations with the rabbi leading up to the wedding, I commented that those words struck me as very Jewish until I reconciled my comfort level through realizing that Christianity and Christian followers reach back to their roots in Israel through Jewish heritage. The rabbi absorbed Laura's and my interfaith comfort, and, without saying anything beforehand, changed the prayer endings at our wedding to, ". . . in mutual religious respect." The principle of mutual religious respect underscores the way that Laura and I have enjoyed our lives together. There has been no expectation that one would change who we are, just to be more like the other. Instead, we have incorporated each other's traditions into our family life. In our respective practices, Laura found a fulfilling religious home at Touro Synagogue, where our two sons have received their Jewish education and been stellar Bar Mitzvahs, and Laura has been serving as the congregation president. I continued originally as an Episcopalian, but found that the values and practices of Unitarian Universalism at Channing were really more consistent with my personal beliefs. Through our respective paths, my family has enjoyed the richness of our differing traditions and beliefs, while maintaining our core, shared values. The introductory years to each other's holidays did take some getting used to. At my first Passover Seder at Laura's parents' home - with about thirty family and close friends, many of whom I was meeting for the first time - of course I got the two longest readings of the Haguddah. Christmas in Vermont with my brother's and sister's families, who go over the top on presents and decorations, has been a lot for Laura to get used to. But both of these holidays, which each celebrate a historical episode in their respective religions, are wonderful, joyous family highlights of the year. Chanukah is actually a minor Jewish holiday. It's become more conspicuous because of its timing near Christmas. Also called the Festival of Lights, Chanukah is based on the miracle story of a lamp that burned for eight days on limited oil. Holiday foods cooked in oil - especially potato latkes - are a symbol of that. Gifts had nothing to do with Chanukah until the Christmas holiday spilled over into it. In our house, we do exchange some Chanukah presents, but the focus is on the lighting of the candles in our three Menorahs - one each for Laura, Ben and Geoff - saying the prayers in Hebrew and singing Chanukah songs. On one of the nights we have a small Chanukah party at our house with latkes and other foods. One of our well-established traditions is Geoff's good (Channing) friend Ben Fernandez, who has been part of our Chanukah celebration for longer than I can remember. As hard as it may be to get past the in-your-face commercialism of Christmas advertising, music and store displays for six weeks or so, there are some familiar pleasures that Christmas and Chanukah both bring. Lights are a beautiful sight, whether they be the glow of candles in a Menorah, lights in windows and outdoors on trees and houses, or on a Christmas tree. Both holidays commemorate their respective miracles, and have legends and observances that have grown from those miracles. Both holidays ring with music and bring family and friends together with great joy in people's hearts. And, yes, there is the excitement of presents given and received. The many pleasures of the holidays are there to be shared and enjoyed.
At the same time, their religious basis shouldn't be lost in the celebratory
excitement, although everyone can choose how much to read into the specific
religious aspects of a given holiday. As we read together a few minutes
ago, ". . . And the people of the earth will be glad, and celebrate
each in their own ways." |